Where has the time gone?

It's hard for me to believe that my sweet little girl will be 6 months in just a couple of weeks. On the one hand, it's been a really long 6 months; yet, now that I look back on it, it's whooshed by in a haze. She's growing so fast. She not only rolls all over the place, but she scoots on her tummy and will probably start crawling sometime in the next month. She's almost ready to start eating solids too.

Sitting here thinking about it, I feel kind of sad. In many ways, I've just been hanging on and trying to cope these past few months. It really has been a haze. Of course, I have enjoyed her and I've spent a lot of time playing with her and singing to her and giving her tons and tons of snuggles and kisses. I carry her close to me much of the time, since she's often in my mei tai when we're out and about and even some when we're home. I love her with all my heart. But I've just not been everything I had hoped I would be for her.

I've been with her almost every moment of her life, but I feel like I've somehow missed out on some of her first 5 months. I feel guilty that I've wished for her to grow faster at times so that she and Ashlinn can play together more and she won't need me constantly quite so much. Of course, I've also wished she would stay little for much longer at times too. I just wish I never had to deal with this postpartum depression and anxiety and could instead feel normal and happy ALL of the time. I'm sure it's more of a haze with the second child anyway, especially if the first child is still a toddler when the second one comes along and so much is being demanded of you when you are so tired and feel like you have nothing left to give, but I feel guilty that this disorder has clouded some of my baby's first few months.