Baby steps

Carys took her first few baby steps this evening, and boy was she proud of herself. She had the biggest grin spread across her face and she kept giggling as she stepped toward me. I was super proud of her too! :)

Seeing the excitement, Ashlinn insisted on showing off her own walking skills by walking to Daddy several times. Silly girl... ;) We made sure to tell her that we were proud of her too but that she could do a lot more than just walk -- run, jump, climb, etc.

Ashlinn has also recently been learning to go potty in the big girl potty, and for THAT I'm really proud of her. We've been having M&M parties every time she goes, and I have a bit of a tummy ache this evening that might have come from all the M&Ms I ate throughout the day!

A difficult time

On Friday morning, my mother-in-law went home to be with Jesus. She'd had surgery the previous Monday to fix a tear in her aorta, and it had gone well. We talked to her on Tuesday night via webcam, and she looked and sounded great. That night, they moved her from the ICU to another recovery room, and they were going to release her on Friday or Saturday. But Friday morning, her aorta ruptured and they weren't able to save her.

It feels so surreal even writing this. Both of my grandmothers are still alive, and yet my daughters have already lost one of theirs. It seems so unfair. I'm sad that my daughters will never really know their nana and probably won't remember her on their own, although we will definitely surround them with pictures of her and stories about her. I'm sad for my husband who will miss her so much. I'm sad for my father-in-law who was married to her for 29 years and loved her more than most husbands love their wives. I'm sad for my two sisters-in-law who no longer have their mom around to share in their lives. And I'm sad that I have no more time left to grow closer to her. We were just starting to truly enjoy each other's company over the last couple years, and I'm really grateful for that, but I wish so much that we'd had the time to grow even closer.

We spent some time up with the family during the past few days and will go back again for the memorial service next week. It was easier being there. We were strong for the others and helped where we could. We looked at pictures and laughed over the funny stories. We were surrounded with family and love. But it's harder at home for some reason.... I feel sad, and I know my husband feels that much more sad. We know she's in heaven with Jesus, we know we'll see her again some day, and we know she had a great impact in a lot of people's lives here. But we miss her and mourn all the moments she will not be part of here on earth....

So proud of herself

Carys learned how to clap yesterday. She tentatively put her hands together, grinned, and then tried again. She was so proud of herself, and she kept practicing her new trick all day long. Yay for Carys!

You know you don't get out much alone when...

...you catch yourself singing "Five green and speckled frogs" in the car by yourself.

Watch out for that sister monster

Ashlinn is currently hiding in a Costco-sized diaper box "so that sister doesn't get me." You've got to watch out for little sisters!

I have some weird children

Weird child #1: Ashlinn has started calling me and everyone else "honey" lately. At first it was cute, but now it is driving me crazy. She mostly says it when she's trying to tell me why she can't do whatever I've told her to do. "Honey, I can't pick up my toys; I have my milk in my hands."

Weird child #2: Carys has developed an addiction to baby wipes. The moment she sees one, she grabs it and stuffs it in her mouth and starts sucking the soap out of it. Disgusting, I know. If you don't let her have (a clean) one when you're changing her, she cries, flips herself around to her tummy, and starts to open the box of wipes herself. I have to sneak them out so she can't see me getting into the box. I did try to give her a wet washcloth instead, but it didn't have the same deliciously soapy taste, so she wouldn't take it....

She understands plurals already?

"Bottoms up," I told Ashlinn as I was putting a new diaper on her.

"No, not bottoms up," she said.

"No?" I asked.

"No, just one bottom, Mommy," she said.

Tired? Distracted? Losing it?

I felt pretty proud of myself this morning. I packaged up our federal and state taxes as well as our estimated taxes for the first quarter of this year, and I took them all to the post office and sent them off via certified mail. I then went to Wal-Mart to finish up buying my mom's birthday present, and then I went to Costco to buy milk. I did all of this with two kids in tow (okay, so I brought my brother along too, which helped a lot with the kids), and I made it back in time to get lunch together and put the kids down for a nap. I thought I'd accomplished a lot.

Then I realized that I didn't send our W-2 and 1099 forms with the tax returns.... So, I guess I'll need to send those off again tomorrow. Do I include a note saying that it's a duplicate return but with the proper forms attached too? Should I tell them I'm a sleep-deprived mom?

As if that wasn't enough, this evening my daughter said she wanted more milk and then pointed to the table and said, "I want some of that milk." What milk? Oh yes, the milk I'd bought at Costco 6 hours before and had never put into the refrigerator after getting home.

A child's sense of time

"When SisterBelle gets bigger, she can sleep in my bed," Ashlinn told me. "And when I get littler, I can sleep in SisterBelle's bed."

Blaming sister already

"You're a lollygagger," my husband told Ashlinn this evening. "Can you say lollygagger?"

"No," Ashlinn responded. "We don't say wally-gagger."

"We don't, huh? Well, you are a lollygagger."

"No, I'm not a wally-gagger," Ashlinn insisted. "Sister is a wally-gagger."

Sounding out words

I told Ashlinn that something was dangerous yesterday.

"Dang," she said.

"No, not dang." I said. "Dan-gerous," I sounded it out for her.

"Ah, it's a dang and a dress," she said.

Umm, sure.

Need an oil change?

If you do, I would not suggest going to Wal-Mart to have it done. We used to always go there, because it's the cheap place to get your oil changed, but rude service and long lines drove us away (no pun intended). Once my husband cleaned out the garage and could actually fit a car partially inside of it, he started changing the oil in our cars. So I've been spoiled for the past year or year and a half.

But, alas, my car was in desperate need of an oil change and we are planning to drive it about 900 miles this weekend (oh, what fun, especially with a baby who hates car rides). And my husband doesn't really have time to do it before then, so I decided to just try Wal-Mart again. I'm cheap, so I figured waiting a little bit longer than I would at Jiffy Lube or some other place known for their quick service would be okay. But I've had a change of mind, and I don't think I'll be going back to Wal-Mart for an oil change--at least, not until my kids are out of the baby/toddler stage.

When I drove up and parked in the line marked off with flags, one one white truck was in front of me. The service person was working on another one, and maybe there was another one in the garage too--I don't know. All I know is that I waited for nearly 2 hours with two kids in Wal-Mart. Yes, I know, what was I thinking? Both girls were actually on their best behavior and complained very little, but still. Even I was getting antsy by the second hour, and I wasn't trapped in a cart the whole time.

Next time, we'll go somewhere like Jiffy Lube (if I can find a coupon). Better yet, next time I won't wait until the last minute to decide that we need an oil change when we're about to go out of town and my husband will be able to do it.

Loud and louder

Carys was babbling quite loudly in the car the other day, so Ashlinn leaned over and said, "That MIGHT be too loud, Sisterbelle!" Carys babbled even louder. So Ashlinn yelled back, "That MIGHT be TOO LOUD, SisterBELLE!" I couldn't help but laugh.

Confessions of an OCD mom

I feel like I'm starting to get a little bit OCD about sanitizing after poopsplosions. Carys poops through her clothes a couple of times a day and then smears it all over the place as she scoots/crawls around. And so I do what I feel like I must: I change her diaper, wash down her body with baby wipes, thoroughly sanitize my hands and the changing mat, change her clothes and deposit the poopy ones in a pile to be washed, and then get out the vinegar and lemon juice spray bottles and sanitize everywhere along her path.

Is that normal? Am I going off the deep end? I don't remember doing this when Ashlinn was this age, but I don't remember her being so mobile during her poopsplosion stage either. It seems like a good idea to me, since feces carry e. coli and all, but I feel like perhaps I'm teetering on the edge of being OCD about it. I think I'm going through more baby wipes than I need to because I always think she needs to be wiped one more time. And I'm pretty sure I'm going through more sanitizer than I need to as well. But how do I stop? I'm just trying to be healthy about things....

Bubbles

Ashlinn was crying while I was changing her diaper this morning, so her tears were pooling in her eyes because she was lying down. "I have bubbles in my eyes," she cried.

"Bubbles? Those are called tears," I told her.

"No, they are bubbles," she told me.

Then, later, her tummy growled just before we were going to eat lunch.

"That was gas," she said. "It was in my tummy."

SisterBelle

That's what we've taken to calling Carys these days. I'm not really sure why, but one day, I just started calling her that and it stuck. Ashlinn thought it was fun, too, and I am a sucker for continuing on with silly things that Ashlinn thinks are fun. And so Carys became SisterBelle. Even my husband calls her that now. It's really cute the way Ashlinn says it though; it comes out sounding like "SiiiisterBeeele" or just "SisterBee." Okay, so maybe it's just me, but I think it's really cute. Carys must like it too, because she frequently grins when we say it--especially when Ashlinn says it.

Happy moment

After I blogged last night, I went to pick up my baby who was playing on the floor. "I'm coming to get you!" I said in a sing-songy voice. Usually she comes crawling/scooting toward me when I talk to her, because she's a bit on the clingy side these days and my voice reminds her that she's not in my arms. But not last night. Instead, she grinned at me and then scurried away as if telling me to chase her. I caught her and held her up to my face, and she gave me the biggest grin ever. Awww.... It was one of the happiest moments I've had in a long time. I love that girl.

Crawling baby

We officially have a crawling baby on our hands. She's been scooting around on her tummy and army crawling for quite some time now, but she crawled six steps forward today, so I think I can consider her a crawling girl now. And as I type this, she's crawling across the living room floor to find her daddy in the hall way. Yes, I know, it's 10:40 and she's still awake. But she took a late evening nap and is nice and wide awake right now. However, we are on our way to bed now, and hopefully she'll actually sleep!

Don't go, Grandma

My parents visited this weekend, and we all had a blast. We took a picnic lunch to the park yesterday, Ashlinn got to go shopping with Grandma and Papa, and then Mommy and Daddy got to go out for a quick dinner before Carys decided she needed to eat ASAP. Ashlinn also got to go without a nap, which is a big treat. And she spent the whole day playing with Grandma, which is an even bigger treat.

This morning, she could tell something was up. I didn't have to tell her that Grandma and Papa were going to have to leave; she somehow just knew. So, she took Grandma captive. She led her into her room to play in her tent and read books, and then she didn't let her out. Every time she wanted to get a new book from the living room, she'd say, "No, I'll go get it; you stay here" and then she'd shut the door. Once my mom asked if she could go to the bathroom while Ashlinn was getting a new book, and Ashlinn said no. She didn't want Grandma to leave.

Sigh. I feel bad and wish we lived closer to each other so she could see Grandma and Papa more often -- for all of our sake's.

Nap time!

The kids are stalling on taking their naps today. Ashlinn is playing in her crib, and Carys is playing on my bed. And I'm sitting here, playing on the computer while they decide to wind down a bit. I don't understand how they aren't tired yet. I'm exhausted and sure wouldn't be stalling about it if I were going to get a nap today! Alas, I have proofreading and dishes to do instead.... But not until this little munchkin goes to sleep.

On the move

Carys has been scooting around on her tummy since right before she turned 5 months old. By 5 1/2 months old, she could scoot across the room in a minute or so. The scoot developed into an army crawl around that point, and she's been on the move ever since. But recently she's gotten much faster and much more daring in her exploration. Now she'll scoot into the kitchen or the hallway, even if I'm still in the living room. Today she made it into the bathroom and my bedroom just in the time it took for me to grab a new set of clothes for her sister. She came into the kitchen while I was putting a bagel in the toaster oven, and she came into her sister's room when I was putting something away in there. She's all over the place and really enjoying her freedom to do so.

Yikes!

Carys was playing over by our changing table this evening and started to pull herself up to a sitting position against it. No biggie--she's done that before. I just watched her from a few feet away and let her do it. I turned my head for a moment, and when I looked back, I saw her trying to pull herself up to a STANDING position against it. She is 6 1/2 months old! Yikes! Of course, she didn't have the balance or strength to really make it work, so she then fell backward and hit her head on the ground, narrowly missing the wooden puzzle block's sharp edge. Yikes!

Sneaky girl

"Daddy can have Sister, and I'm going to have you," Ashlinn told me this evening.

"But I need to feed Sister right now," I told her.

"No," she said as she jumped into my lap. "There's not enough room for Sister."

"How about Daddy brushes your teeth while I feed Sister, and then you can sit with me."

"No," she answered. Then she leaned over her sister and said something that sounded like "Ch-sh-ch-sh."

I looked at her, puzzled.

"I just brushed Sister's teeth. She can't have anymore Mommy milk tonight." Then she leaned back in my lap, clearly pleased with herself.

A growing group

Our small group is growing! Tonight we had 15 people come over for dinner, worship, prayer, and a discussion/study on anger. We are studying different emotions and how we can use them for good, based on how we see God or Jesus using them in the Bible. It went well! I didn't actually get to partake in discussion or worship, because the girls were still awake at the time and I was taking care of them in the other room. But I hear it was really great.

I also need to start making more food. We used to always have leftovers, and tonight we didn't have enough to feed the last few people who arrived. Good thing I had some sliced turkey and other sandwich materials in the fridge. Next week, I'll definitely make more of whatever we end up eating.

Well, I'm off to bed...late again. I'm not doing very well with the time change this year. Oops.

Up late

"Early to bed, early to rise....makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise." It's 12:45... What's that say about me? Off to bed I go....

You know you breastfeed when...

This morning, Ashlinn found one of my nursing pads and stuck it in her shirt. "I need a baby for my mommy milk," she declared. Gotta love 2-year-olds and the way they want to mimic everything they see.

My new driver

When we went to pick up our car from the airport parking place, Ashlinn climbed into the front seat and said, "All right. I'm going to sit here and I'm going to be the driver today."

Yes! I always hated being the driver!

Turning into a hypochondriac

Tonight I went to urgent care over a bruise. It was huge, red, and puffy and spread out on the inner side of my leg near my knee. I honestly couldn't remember bumping my leg on anything, and it seemed to appear out of nowhere, getting worse and worse over a couple of hours. I thought perhaps it was a really bad insect bite or maybe even a blood clot, since it was positioned right over a major vein. I tried not to freak about it, of course, but I figured I was better off safe than sorry. So I went in to have it checked out.

I'm pretty sure the doctor thought I was crazy. "It looks like a bruise," she said immediately. It had started to turn a bit blue by then, and I admit that it was, in fact, starting to look like a bruise. But I still couldn't remember bumping into anything, and it looked really bad for not having bumped into something pretty hard. She asked if I was experiencing any shortness of breath or tightening of the chest or anything. Of course I was a little bit. I mean, I do have an anxiety disorder and, even though I was trying my hardest not to get anxious, my body was reacting against my wishes.

After the nurse handed me my discharge orders, I waited at the curb for my husband to pick me up. He had come with me and then gone to get some groceries while I waited in the waiting room and saw the doctor. What could I have possibly done to get this kind of bruise? I thought to myself. Then I remembered tripping over my daughter and bashing my leg into the arm of her rocking chair as I tried not to land on the suitcase still left on the living room floor a few hours earlier. I'm not sure why I didn't remember that beforehand, but I think the fog of exhaustion I live in might be the reason.

Anyway, I really don't want to turn into a hypochondriac. I just want to know what's going on with my body when I don't know what it is. I just want to be safe rather than sorry. I hate that this anxiety disorder makes me more nervous than I would normally be over some things sometimes. Sigh... I feel pretty pathetic right now, but oh well. I suppose things could have been worse, and I'm glad that I don't actually have anything major wrong with me.

So much to do

We're flying up to see my in-laws early tomorrow morning, and I still have a lot to do before we go. Packing with a baby and a toddler is no easy task, that's for sure! I'm pretty nervous about flying with both girls, but hopefully it will go all right. We'll see how many enemies I make on the airplane tomorrow, thanks to my kids. ;)

Anyway, I'm not sure how much opportunity I will get to write here while I'm gone, because I don't think I'll be bringing my laptop with me. We'll see... If I don't write again until next week, have a good next few days! I'm sure I'll return with many stories from the trip. ;)

Rough day at work

My boss yelled at me most of the day today. She was super demanding and then didn't like anything I did. But I can cut her some slack. She is trying to get her second tooth through, after all.

New recipe

Tonight I made potato, tomato, and spinach soup for our small group. I'm going to serve it with turkey sandwiches. I know it's kind of silly, but I'm really excited about this because it's the first time I've ever made this soup and I think it turned out really good. I can't wait to share it with my friends. I love it when a new recipe turns out good! :)

Pop goes the weasel

My daughter (again) did not go to bed happily tonight. She's been crying and screaming for the past 15 minutes or so because she wants us to keep coming in to put her blankie back on her just so (it has to cover her hand, her sippy, her baby, and her cat in the hat stuffed toy up to his red bow). She then takes it back off and cries for us again. So we stopped answering her call. She's tired and needs to sleep....

But now she has stopped crying, and I hear in a sad voice, "Pop goes the weasel. Pop goes the weasel. Pop goes the weasel." We've been singing this all day, and both she and her baby sister have loved anticipating the "pop" at the end of the rhyme. Perhaps she's now trying to revisit the happy moments of the day, back when her mommy and daddy cared about her and didn't ignore her and make her go to bed by herself....

To my darling girl

Happy 6-month birthday, Carys. Mommy loves you!

Six months ago

Six months ago today I checked in at the hospital and waited around for the staff to find a labor and delivery room for me because so many other moms were about to welcome their little ones into the world. I'd been having semi-regular contractions for a couple of days and then gone to a regular appointment that morning and found out I was 4 cm dilated and 90% effaced. I'd gone home, eaten lunch, put Ashlinn down for a nap, painted my toe nails, rocked, and counted minutes between contractions. Six hours or so later, I felt my blood pressure rising and knew I needed to go to the hospital. I'd planned to stop and get my favorite burrito before heading to the hospital because I knew they wouldn't let me eat until I'd given birth--and the last time around I'd gone 30-something hours without food, thanks to that fasting policy. But, when it really came down to it, I just wanted to get to the hospital because I was getting scared about my blood pressure rising so high.

A half-hour or so after I checked in at the hospital, I was in agony. My contractions were close together and sharper than anything I'd ever felt. I was dilated to 6 and still debating whether to take pain medications. I ended up with some systemic drugs and then an epidural later on. At 2 a.m., Carys Lorien arrived. Of course, we didn't name her until the next day, but that's another story...

I can't believe it's been 6 months. The first few months dragged by. I seriously lived in a fog of sleeplessness and chaos. Each day was an eternity, and I thought I'd never make it to this point. But here I am, 6 months into life with two little girls, and I don't know where the time went.

Tomorrow I will introduce Carys to baby oatmeal, her first "meal" of solid food. She's shown a lot of interest in our food lately, so I think she'll really like it. But we'll see.... It's hard to believe we've reached the point of offering her solids. She army crawls and sits by herself for a few seconds at a time. She has one tooth and is working on the next one. And she's recently learned how to do raspberries. She's getting to be such a big girl....

Silly girl

Ashlinn went to bed quite late this evening (like a couple minutes ago) and was pretty silly as we were tucking her in.

"Goodnight, Sweetheart, I love you," I said.

"Love you, Mop," she said.

"Mop?! I'm not Mop. I'm Mommy," I said.

"You ARE Mop," she said.

Then I asked for a kiss and she licked me.

Remind me to get her to bed earlier tomorrow night!

Only a toddler

Not only have we thanked God for boogers during our nightly prayers, but now we've also thanked Him for our poop. Lovely.... But I guess we really should be thankful for all things, right?

Sick again

We've officially caught our...what, fourth cold of the season? And this time it's hit me the hardest. I need my mommy....

Mood ring, anyone?

"Mommy, I love you," Ashlinn said to me this morning out of the blue.

"Aww..." I said and then snuggled up close to her on the bed.

"No! Don't lay by me, Mom!" she said.

What a sweetheart

Ashlinn put her arms around my legs yesterday and said, "Here, Mommy, let me hold you."

On grace...

God's grace is sufficient. Sometimes I need a reminder that this is true. I'm not very good with this grace business, especially when I'm applying it to myself. Even when God says I'm forgiven, I continue to feel guilty. Even when God says I'm precious, I continue to feel unworthy. Even when God says I'm beautiful, I continue to feel blemished. Not all the time, of course--but often enough. But God's grace is sufficient. I need to remember that.

I'm just proud of my kid....

I recently overheard a discussion about parents who share stories about their kids' accomplishments and ...brag... about their kids' abilities. One person said that she thought it was distasteful to talk up her kids to other people, and another person talked about a friend of hers who always seems to put down one kid to praise another kid for his accomplishments. This made me wonder....

I share stories about Ashlinn's newest achievements all the time. I tell my husband, the grandparents, friends with kids, friends without kids--pretty much anyone who seems interested to any degree. I don't mean to brag about my little girl. I really don't. I don't think she's smarter, more capable, more whatever than your kid. I mean, I do think she's advanced, but I probably think your kid is advanced too. I don't share my stories of her accomplishments and latest and greatest abilities to imply that she's better than other kids in any way. I'm just amazed by her; that's all. I'm amazed by other kids too. I just think toddlers and preschoolers are amazing on the whole.

But I hope I'm not offending people by doing this. I'm just proud of my kid. I like to talk about her and her amazingness. But I'm proud of your kid too, and I want to hear your stories too.

Things I love about being a mommy

I love watching my 2-year-old make my 6-month-old laugh and vice versa.

I love how sweet my 2-year-old is with her sister and how she always wants to kiss her and hug her and share her toys with her.

I love seeing my 6-month-old grab her feet.

I love that she is such a smiley girl but that most of the smiles are for mommy.

I love falling asleep with her in my arms at night.

I love listening to my 2-year-old sing by herself (if I try to sing along, she usually stops singing). Her usual favorite is "Itsy bitsy spider," but this morning she was singing "You are my sunshine."

I love reading books with her and hearing her "read" the pages she's memorized in her favorite books.

I absolutely love standing back and watching in awe when she learns something new, which is constantly. I'm around her all day long, and she seriously amazes me all the time with her vocabulary and skills. Not that I think she's more advanced than other kids.... It's just amazing to see her learn new concepts so quickly and so often.

I love when she says "Thank you, mommy" on her own after I give her something.

I love watching her when she's playing by herself and using her imagination.

I love it when she brings me pretend water in her play cups and puts pretend pepper in it. For some reason, she thinks that peppered water is the best thing out there.

I love seeing seeing her play rough with her daddy, who can make her giggle more than anyone else.

Baby's first tooth

My 5 1/2-month old's first tooth poked through the other day, and I'm pretty sure the next one is working on coming in too. She's been crabby all day, and I feel bad for her. In fact, I think I'm having sympathy pains for her, because my teeth have been killing me all day too (thanks to sinus pressure). I'm not sure I'm ready to lose her toothless grin. I guess I'd better start taking a bunch of pictures so I can remember what she looked like before you could see her teeth.

No-nap day

Today is probably going to be a no-nap day for Ashlinn. She's been in her crib since 12:40 and has spent the past hour talking and playing with her baby dolls and stuffed animal friends. We need to leave to meet some friends at 3:15, which is an hour and a half off. And she's showing no signs of falling asleep anytime soon.

At least she's not screaming though.... I'm glad she's not repeating yesterday's act (yet, anyway)!

You know you have a 2-year-old when...

Wow, my daughter just threw the biggest fit of her life thus far. She didn't want to take a nap, apparently. So she kicked and screamed in her bed for an hour until she finally fell asleep. She was practically hyperventilating, and she kept yelling for help with her blankie. But ever time I tried to fix her blankie, she screamed even louder. I have no idea how exactly she wanted her blankie fixed, but I wasn't doing it properly. I brought her out to give her a drink of milk and rock her a little in hopes of calming her down at one point, but it only made it worse. She was so upset and beyond exhausted. She kept screaming, "I don't want to go to sleep, I don't want to go to sleep!"

Of course, she also woke up her sister just as she was drifting off to sleep, so then I had two screaming children to deal with.... Soooooo much fun. Now they are both finally asleep, and I'm trying to relax so my blood pressure can go down. I think I'll go see about some ice cream....

32 valentines

I haven't found them all yet, but my husband wrote out 32 Dr. Seuss valentines for me and hid them around the house. I've found 23 of them so far, and each one has brought a smile to my face. It's one of the sweetest things he's done for me. :)

Llama drama

Our new favorite book is Llama Llama Mad at Mama, by Anna Dewdney. My mom recently introduced us to this book and its counterpart, Llama Llama Red Pajama. In each of these books, the little llama throws some sort of fit and gets a stern talking-to from his llama mama and then a tender reminder that his llama mama loves him so much and is always there for him. The whole book is told in rhymes, but they aren't cliche rhymes. The illustrations are cute and well done, and I love the way the little llama's ears show his expressions like a person's eyebrows tend to do.

I highly recommend these books. Ashlinn and I have read them several times each day since we acquired them last weekend, and I foresee us continuing to read them frequently in the future. Ashlinn has already memorized many of the lines, so I let her help me read them, and it's really cute hearing her say them.

If you have little kids at home, you should check them out!

One of those days

Today was one of those days where I couldn't wait to get my 2-year-old to bed, and then she fought it like crazy. She's exhausted, I'm exhausted, and I need just a little bit of time to myself. It's not that she's been horrible or anything today, but she's been exhausting and needy. I love her to death, but I hope she sleeps in 'til at least 8:30 tomorrow. She needs the extra sleep, and so do I.

Where has the time gone?

It's hard for me to believe that my sweet little girl will be 6 months in just a couple of weeks. On the one hand, it's been a really long 6 months; yet, now that I look back on it, it's whooshed by in a haze. She's growing so fast. She not only rolls all over the place, but she scoots on her tummy and will probably start crawling sometime in the next month. She's almost ready to start eating solids too.

Sitting here thinking about it, I feel kind of sad. In many ways, I've just been hanging on and trying to cope these past few months. It really has been a haze. Of course, I have enjoyed her and I've spent a lot of time playing with her and singing to her and giving her tons and tons of snuggles and kisses. I carry her close to me much of the time, since she's often in my mei tai when we're out and about and even some when we're home. I love her with all my heart. But I've just not been everything I had hoped I would be for her.

I've been with her almost every moment of her life, but I feel like I've somehow missed out on some of her first 5 months. I feel guilty that I've wished for her to grow faster at times so that she and Ashlinn can play together more and she won't need me constantly quite so much. Of course, I've also wished she would stay little for much longer at times too. I just wish I never had to deal with this postpartum depression and anxiety and could instead feel normal and happy ALL of the time. I'm sure it's more of a haze with the second child anyway, especially if the first child is still a toddler when the second one comes along and so much is being demanded of you when you are so tired and feel like you have nothing left to give, but I feel guilty that this disorder has clouded some of my baby's first few months.

The case of the black specks

The other day, I noticed a whole bunch of black specks on the floor between my kitchen sink and a set of drawers under a counter. I thought it was odd but swept them up and went about my day. Later that night, I found another pile of black specks in the same spot and asked my husband to investigate what they were and where they were coming from. Well, we still haven't figured out what they are, but they keep coming back every time I sweep them up.

I can't tell if they are some sort of insect poop or maybe insect eggs or if they are little specks of wood coming from termites or something. They are all about the same size and shape though, so I don't think they are specks of wood. And I don't think they are live bugs, because they don't move. I tried searching for some sort of clue online, but it's hard to find the right keywords to describe what I'm looking for. We sprayed Raid in the drawers and along the baseboard area last night, but alas--they still keep coming back.

Any ideas what we are dealing with?

More bed-time drama

Last night, we had some friends over when we put Ashlinn to bed, so she was especially unhappy to be leaving the group to go to sleep. After whining and hollering and talking and playing for about a half-hour, she started yelling for a new diaper. So my husband went in to check on her.

"You need a new diaper?" he asked, as he started to unzip her crib tent and get her out.

"No, baby needs a new diaper," she replied.

Yes, that's right. Her baby doll needed a new diaper. See, I told you she was good at coming up with excuses to draw out the bed-time process.

Yoga mama part II

Okay, so there's a big difference between me doing yoga and the woman on the DVD doing yoga--and it's not just the fact that she's been doing it for more than 30 years and I've been doing it for 3 days. She's also doing said exercises on a deck on a secluded beach, and I am doing them on the hardwood floor of my living room with my toddler running around singing or sitting on my stomach. There's really nothing relaxing or peaceful about my environment, and I want to laugh when the instructor says something like, "Focus on your breathing, hear the gentle whoosh at the back of your throat." Um, sorry, I can't hear it over the child screaming "Mommmmmmy" next to me.

Ashlinn loves her yoga mat and loves watching the DVD with me. She likes the idea of exercising with Mommy. But she doesn't like me actually lying down on my mat or closing my eyes. She thinks we should just sit on our mats and watch the DVD like a movie--preferably with a snack in hand. I have to admit that it is a pretty good comedy, thanks to the irony of the situation....

Yay for a book launch party!

Last night we attended a book launch party for a friend of mine whom I used to work with (and go to school with before that). It was fun to be at a literary event, sip hot chocolate, listen to live music and a reading from the book, and visit with two couples we'd never met before. We brought Carys with us (she hung out in the mei tai and stared at the ceiling fan for half of it), but it was almost like a date and we actually talked to adults who were our age. Yay for book launching parties! And yay for Jill for writing and publishing her book. I can't wait to read it.

I can't imagine

We visited a friend of ours last night who has stage 4 metastatic cancer. He seemed to be in good spirits and loved playing with the kids, and we enjoyed the visit too, but I just couldn't help feeling a little sad when we left. His wife sends updates every day or couple days, and I know that things aren't going well and he is in constant pain. I just can't imagine being in either of their places. I can't imagine knowing that my days were numbered like that, but I especially can't imagine watching my husband go through that. And yet, none of us knows how long we will live on this earth or what we will encounter while we are here.... It just brings home the knowledge that we should live every moment as though it were our last....

I have all I need

Today was a particularly rough day for me, anxiety-wise, and I told my husband just a couple hours ago that I really need a vacation. I love my girls, but they are demanding and I feel worn out. I need just a little bit of peace and quiet...

And then I went and read this, and it put it all back into perspective for me. It was the most beautiful birth story I've ever read, and it reminded me to always treasure the gifts that my girls are--even when I'm tired and worn out, stressed or unsure of how I will get through. I am so blessed to have them, and I absolutely love being their mommy.

We've lost Brown Bear

Sadly, our copy of Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? seems to have gone missing. We looked all over for it this evening--on the book shelf, in the shoe box, on the toy shelf, under the toy shelf, in Mommy and Daddy's room, in Ashlinn's room, in Ashlinn's crib, under the couches, and in a host of other places--but it was nowhere to be found. At one point, Ashlinn insisted it was in the garage. I kept telling her that I didn't think it was, but finally I humored her and went out to check. She said it was by the dryer, so I looked there. But I didn't find it. Then she said it was inside the washing machine. I told her it would probably not still be readable if it were inside the washing machine....

And so we had to settle for reading Panda Bear, Panda Bear, What Do You See? instead. We hadn't read it lately, but Ashlinn actually remembered and told me the names of the animals on each of the pages. My personal favorite was "whooping crane," which sounds like "whipping cream" when she says it. So cute!

Anyway, hopefully we'll find Brown Bear soon. Maybe he's hiding in the car....

Thank God for boogers

Yes, that's right. The other night, Ashlinn thanked God for her boogers while we were praying before bed. I almost choked trying to hold back my laughter. Ever since we got sick a few weeks ago, she's been quite obsessed with picking her nose and talking about boogers. Every time I see her with her fingers in her nose, I tell her to please take her fingers out of her nose and that she can only get her boogers out with a kleenex. Now I just have to tell her to take her fingers out of her nose, and she'll beat me to the last part and say, "Only with a kleenex!" in this triumphant voice, as if she remembered all on her own. Of course, she never does use a kleenex. Disgusting, I know. I guess it comes with the territory of raising a 2-year-old.

Minimum standards

This evening, we had barbecued hamburgers for dinner. We cut up some hamburger and put it on Ashlinn's tray with some ketchup and a little bit of lettuce and bread. She ate all of the ketchup and lettuce, some of the bread, and no hamburger. Then she wanted out of her high chair.

I've been trying to teach her that she must eat at least one bite of everything I put on her tray, so I told her she needed to pick a piece of hamburger to eat before I let her up. She promptly picked up a piece maybe twice the size of a grain of salt and put it in her mouth. Does that really count as a bite?

Yoga mama

I ordered a "Yoga for Beginners" DVD the other day and went out and bought two yoga mats last night. We'll see how I do with this, but I'm hoping that it will help me relax a little bit and break down some of the muscle tension I seem to carry around constantly. I actually noticed a difference in my anxiety level when we had a lot of rain a couple weeks ago and we didn't get to take our daily walks. So, hopefully this will help me keep my anxiety in check when I don't get the chance to get outside.

No need for veggies?

Ashlinn was cooking some play food for me this afternoon, and I asked for some peas to go with my pasta. She looked around the couch to see if she had any handy, and when she didn't find some, she announced, "You don't need any peas, it's okay."

I'm sure she wishes I were more lenient when serving her real food... Veggies are not her favorite thing to eat these days. Yesterday, I told her she needed to eat one more bite of broccoli before I gave her more raisins. She reluctantly put a bite in her mouth and then spit it out. "Uh oh, it fell," she told me. Such a sneaky little girl...

Unfortunately for her, I told her it was still good and she still had to eat it before getting more raisins. She cried, but I finally got her to eat half of the bite. Gone are the days when peas were her favorite food and she actually got the recommended amount of veggies each day. Now it's all about the pasta and cheese and raisins!

Am I hanging on for no reason?

I have been struggling lately with the decision of whether to quit working or not. I only work a little bit each week, and I do everything from home. Usually I work during nap times and on weekends and sometimes in the evenings when my husband is home and can help with the kids. It's not a lot, but it's enough to make things hectic at times.

I want to keep working because I feel like it's the one thing I do that isn't about the kids. It's something I'm good at on my own and has nothing to do with being a mommy. Also, it makes me feel like I'm contributing to our family's income. I know that I'm contributing a lot just by staying home with our kids and taking care of them and the house, but it's still hard for me to get over the block in my mind. I know that what I do has great value, and I would never think this way about anyone else who stays home with their kids and doesn't work, but I just feel like I have to prove myself or something... And I also want to keep my foot in the door and my resume up to date for if and when I do go back to work, although I don't see myself doing that full-time for a quite a while.

But are those good enough reasons to keep this up?

I'm barely bringing in any money and I'm raising the stress level in my house. I'm pretty sure my husband is beginning to resent it, and that makes me sad. But I don't know what to do. I keep thinking that it will get easier, but I don't know if that's true or not. I hate to keep it up if I don't have my husband's support. And yet, I still have such a hard time letting it go...

Watching baby play

I'm sitting here watching my 5-month-old play on her blanket in the living room. She starts off lying on her back but rolls to her tummy so swiftly that you would think she'd been rolling like that all of her life. She has soft squishy blocks spread out around the edges of the blanket, and she reaches out to grab two of them and bring them to her mouth. She squeals and gnaws on one one and then reaches out for the other.

Only recently has she played so well on her own (for a few minutes, anyway). Only recently has she really started grabbing for toys intentionally instead of just happening to hit them as she flails her arms. It's pretty amazing to watch her develop. I predict she'll be crawling sometime in the next 2 months. She already brings her knees up and puts her bum in the air as if she's trying to figure out how to get into the crawling position. She's a bright little girl, and I'm sure she can't wait to be doing all of the fun things she sees her sister doing all the time.

Thank God for sunshine!

I have no right to complain about the rain we've had this past week and a half. After all, I live in Southern California, one of the warmest and driest parts of the country. And I have friends in Iowa and Chicago, who really know what winter is like. I also understand that we need all the rain we can get around these parts. So this is not a complaint.

But boy was it nice to have a day of sunshine again. It was great to get outside and back to our walks around the neighborhood, visit the park, and not have to turn the heater on inside. It was a gorgeous day by all accounts!

Especially with my battle with postpartum depression and anxiety, I really appreciate how mild of a winter we've had and how much sunshine and warmth we've had around here even through December and January. I don't know how long it will last, but I plan to take advantage of it as long as it lasts.

Threats from a 2-year-old

As I'm changing her diaper before her nap today, Ashlinn looks at me with a plotting grin and says, "I'm gonna poop again" in the same tone she uses to tell me that she's going to do something she knows she shouldn't. Gotta love threats from a 2-year-old.

Praise from a 2-year-old

"That was a good one, Mommy," Ashlinn said yesterday when I gave her a raspberry on her tummy.

Then, "She's a nice one," she said as she kissed her sister on the head. "She's a cute one, too."

Sometimes a 2-year-old's praise is the best kind you can receive.

Moms who do it all

I don't wear hats, but if I did wear one, I would tip it to the single mommies and other mommies who have no daily support and help at home. Being a mom is a lot of work, especially when you have babies and toddlers and they are sick or clingy all day. Getting up at night is exhausting, especially when you get up several times each night. Don't get me wrong--being a mom is wonderful, exciting, and full of joy. It's the best thing I've ever done and the most important role I've ever played. But it's not easy--and I have a husband who is involved with the kids when he is home.

So, to those of you who do it by yourself--whether you're truly raising your child(ren) alone, you're a military wife with a husband who is deployed, or the man in your life works extremely long hours--you have my admiration and respect. Your sacrifices are worth it!

And to all the other mommies: Your sacrifices are worth it too! I have to tell myself this from time to time, so I thought I'd tell you all too. :)

Little Miss Organized

This morning, Ashlinn had to have separate bowls for her cheerios, dried berries, and bagel piece. Apparently, she's against mixing food nowadays. She's also become a fan of sorting toys by color. I constantly find piles of red toys or blue toys in different containers, and she usually only builds with one color of blocks at a time.

She also spends most of her day moving different types of toys from one container to another container or spot in the house. She'll have her foam letters and numbers in the baby doll bed and then move them to the oven so that she can put her puzzle pieces in the baby bed. Then shee'll move her play food to the couch and then to a basket and then to her sister's bouncer seat. Then she'll put her baby in the bouncer seat and the play food in the block container.

I wonder if she'll stay this organized when she's older. If so, maybe she can be my personal coach!

Reasoning with a 2-year-old

Her: "We have to buy some more pizza, Mommy."

Me: "No, I don't think we do."

Her: "But we have to."

Me: "Why do we need more pizza?"

Her: "'Cause we do."

Daddy can fix anything

"Daddy'll make the rain stop," Ashlinn told me today. She was concerned that he would get wet when he came home from work, and she said we should get him a towel. But later she decided he would just stop the rain altogether. That's because Daddy can do anything.

Whenever a toy is broken or needs new batteries, Ashlinn declares that Daddy will fix it. The funny thing is that Daddy rarely actually does fix these toys, because he's so busy with other things. But Ashlinn knows that he can.

Daddy also kills ants, although she did tell me today that I should kill them. Of course, she then decided that they were nice ants because they could climb the shower wall. I guess Daddy won't need to kill them after all. It's a good thing too, since he might be kind of busy tonight stopping the rain.

What's behind door #1?

This morning, I let Ashlinn cry in her crib for a few minutes while I brushed my teeth and hair. When I opened her door, I found her with her pajamas off, her onesie unsnapped, and her diaper in her hand. At least it was just a wet one!

Okay, so not really quite on the mend yet

I guess we've relapsed and everyone is feeling rotten again. Ashlinn woke up at 6:30 this morning and has been whiny ever since, despite taking her usual nap this afternoon. She's coughing more, and her nose is back to running. Carys is about the same as before, and Caleb has a sore throat and a cough. I feel fairly well, but I hurt my back holding Carys on my chest all night and then hurt it more by using a massage pillow.

Can we be done yet?

On the mend

We've all been sick here for the past several days, but it looks like we're finally on the mend now. Last night both kids actually slept fairly well, after two nights of both being up most of the night. No one has a fever anymore, and the running noses are slowing to a walk. Yay! I can't wait for cold and flu season to be over.

It's interesting how much being sick changes when you're a parent. Instead of having a mommy to comfort you and make you chicken noodle soup and make sure you get enough to drink, you get to do the comforting and pretend you are feeling fine. You also don't get to sleep all day, which would be handy, since you're up most of the night with the little ones who don't feel well. And yet, you almost don't mind, because even though you don't feel great yourself, you'll do whatever it takes to make your children feel better. Seeing them miserable just breaks your heart.

But you still wish you could get a little more sleep....

The street musician

I read this article today about a famous violinist who played at a metro station in Washington, D.C. and went virtually unnoticed for the entire 45 minutes he was there. The article itself is extremely well-written and definitely worth the read. In fact, I believe it won a Pulitzer prize--and rightly so. I guess the Washington Post set up the whole scenario as a social experiment to see if people during rush hour would notice and appreciate beauty at an unlikely place. The answer: in short, not so much.

The violinist, Joshua Bell, played some of the most complex music ever written on an extremely expensive violin. He played 6 songs total in 45 minutes, and only 27 of the more-than-1,ooo people who walked by stopped for even a second. Only once did more than one person stop to listen at the same time. To everyone else, he was just your ordinary street musician making a lot of noise as they were heading to work. Then again, some people completely tuned him out as they hurried by and couldn't remember him being there at all.

I wonder what I would have done if I had been at the metro station that day. I'd like to think I would have stopped and sought out the source of the beautiful music. If I could spare the time, I think I would have stopped to listen and watch, eyes wide and ears open to music the likes of which I'm sure I'd never again hear in person. I read that tickets to see Bell perform live cost at least $100, and people respect him so much that they hold in their coughs until he ends his piece. And yet, he made a little less than $40 from all those who stopped to take note that day, and only one person recognized him near the end.

The point of the experiment and article was to explore whether people stop to take in the beauty around them or if they are too busy to be bothered by it. The old saying "Stop to smell the roses" comes to mind. Reading the article was a good reminder for me to stop and smell the roses, take in the beauty around me, and actually notice the people I come into contact with each day. I may not always know the significance of what I'm seeing or hearing or experiencing in the moment, but I'd hate to miss out on something grand because I wasn't paying attention

Why I co-sleep

It's kind of like being part of an underground cult--the co-sleeping cult. Mention that your child sleeps with you, and you're likely to get raised eyebrows in return. Your pediatrician will probably tell you that it's "not advisable" and that the safest place for a baby to sleep is on his or her back in a crib. Your neighbor will probably ask you how you know that you won't roll over onto your baby as you sleep, and your other neighbor will probably tell you that once you let your kid into your bed, you'll never get her out.

Actually, lots of people do co-sleep these days, and several doctors are for it. Some even say that it's safer then having your baby sleep by himself or herself in a crib and that babies who co-sleep usually grow into more independent children than those who sleep by themselves. I don't know if that's true or not, but I do know that it works best for my family.

I never planned to co-sleep. I figured that I would keep my babies in a bassinet and then move them into a crib maybe in my room for a while before moving them into their own room. I liked the idea of them being near me, where I could hear them and easily check on them. But I was too nervous to actually let them in my bed. As luck would have it, my first daughter was a super sleepy newborn and slept easily in her bassinet for her first 2 1/2 months of life. Then she stopped sleeping so well, and during a particularly difficult night around when she was about 3 months old, my husband suggested that we just bring her to bed with us for the rest of the night. And that was that. She spent almost the whole next year sleeping in my arms.

Co-sleeping was so easy in the beginning. We both slept on our sides, facing each other, with my arm under and around her to keep her from rolling onto her stomach. She would nurse to sleep at night and then nurse back to sleep whenever she awoke. I no longer had to get up to feed her. I would just latch her on, close my eyes, and drift a little while she nursed. Then we'd both go back to sleep. It was crazy easy compared to getting up at 2:00 a.m. and stumbling into my rocking chair in the other room. Neither she nor I had to actually wake up all the way. She never cried, because I'd feel her move around when she was waking up, and I'd respond before she even let out a single whimper.

Now, I'm not saying this situation was completely ideal. I know she wasn't actually hungry all of the times that she awoke, and I know I was just acting as a human pacifier much of the time. Some nights were worse than others, when I wouldn't get to sleep more than a half hour before waking again. Her pediatrician said I needed to let her "cry it out" and stop feeding her during the night once she turned 6 months old, but I just couldn't do it. I tried a few times out of desperation and exhaustion, but she wasn't cut out for the crying it out thing any more than I was. She got all worked up but wouldn't fall asleep. Her screams put me on edge and made my heart hurt with every cry.

And so she slept with us until just before she turned 14 months old. I was pregnant with my second daughter and needing to wean her--and I just couldn't do that while sharing a bed with her.

By then, I couldn't imagine not co-sleeping with baby #2. I loved the closeness. I loved not having to get up for feedings. I loved knowing that my baby was okay and in my arms every moment of the night. I know some people think it's not the safest option, but I can't imagine my children any safer anywhere else. They can't roll when they are positioned just so in my arms, and I am always aware of their presence, so I won't roll onto them either. (Actually, I absolutely hate being on my stomach, so I wouldn't roll over anyway.)

But we only have a queen-sized bed, and so I bought an Arm's Reach Co-sleeper to try with baby #2. I thought it was the perfect solution. Baby would still sleep next to me, but she'd have her own space and I'd have my own space. I'd still be able to nurse her to sleep and when she awoke, but I wouldn't feel her every move against me and perhaps I'd get a bit more sleep. We got it all set up and ready next to our bed, but we have yet to use it (and baby #2 is 4 1/2 months old).

Carys was born a co-sleeper. Even in the hospital, she wouldn't sleep unless she was snuggled in my arms and half on top of me. She needs to be close, hear my heart beat, feel my arms around her. Unfortunately, she's also turned into a wiggly sleeper, and so I'm still hoping to transition her into the co-sleeper at some point so that I don't wake as often throughout the night. But when I do, I'm sure I will miss having her truly in my arms all night.

I never meant to co-sleep, but now I can't imagine not doing it. Sure, it's exhausting sometimes, but then it'd be exhausting to get up to feed too. And sure, my husband and I like having our bed to ourselves, but this is only for a small slice of our life together. For us, the benefits outweigh the costs.

The "Car" movie and a little bit of Ibuprofin

I should have known something was up yesterday when Ashlinn spent most of the day wanting to sit on my lap or have me carry her around. She's always more snuggly when she's coming down with a cold or some sort of bug. By last night, she had a bit of a runny nose and a temperature of 101 degrees. Poor girl!

So today we watched Disney's Cars a couple times, a treat reserved for sick days like this. We don't actually own a television, but we do watch DVDs on my laptop from time to time. It's not that I'm anti-television, but we're just not really interested in it enough to have one around. But it's sure helpful when I'm trying to keep Ashlinn calm and resting and away from her sister, whom she loves to hug and smother in kisses.

Hopefully she'll feel better tomorrow. I hate seeing my little girl sick!

Can't wait for brownies

So, I made a yummy dinner tonight of chicken marinated and cooked in balsamic vinaigrette and rosemary, roasted zucchini and carrots with a bunch of different seasonings and a bit of parmesan cheese, and salad with olives and grape tomatoes. It was a big hit. But all I can think about is the brownies that I made for dessert (i.e., for after Ashlinn goes to bed, so that she won't ask for one--especially since she barely ate any of her dinner). I've been craving them all day. Can it be 8:30 yet?

Thoughts

Today I am in a pensive mood, but I can't seem to transfer any of my thoughts into coherent words on the screen. I'm thinking about life and death and legacies and purpose. I'm thinking about why I'm here and what I want my life to mean. I'm thinking about healing, forgiveness, and grace; the power of a kind word, a smile, and a listening ear; and the relationships I haven't cultivated as much as I should have. I'm thinking about giving and blessings and joy, and I'm thinking about peace and contentment in the face of uncertainty. I'm thinking about perfect love that drives out fear and faith that holds out hope.

Tired mommy

Neither of the girls slept much today. Ashlinn slept for about 20 minutes in the car, and Carys took a few 15-30 minute naps and then fussed for much of the afternoon and evening. This makes for one tired mommy. And so, as I sit here trying to think of something to write about, I find that my head is far too fuzzy to try to put words together to form coherent thoughts. And really, I just need to go to bed.

Good night! And sweet dreams to all!

Out of the mouths of babes

Ashlinn climbed up onto the couch today to sit next to me and Carys. "Awww, my two girls," she said. That's what I say when she snuggles up next to Carys or sits by her.

She's also coined a new word recently: momdy. This is what she calls me when she's being silly. Then I give her a silly look and say, "Who's momdy? I'm not momdy." And she giggles and insists that I am. So I tell her that daddy is momdy. And she shakes her head no and says, "Mommy's the momdy." It's funny because it's a game she initiates several times throughout the day and we both get really silly with it.

I love that girl. :)

Gratitude

This evening I was listening to Nichole Nordeman's song "Gratitude" from her Woven and Spun CD. It's been a long time since I've listened to this album, but hearing it again is like seeing an old-time friend. I always feel a tugging in my heart when I hear these lyrics:

Send some rain, would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain

How often do I thank God for the lessons that come with not getting what I have asked for? How often do I bless the sun when I've asked for rain? Lately, I've been longing for rain in my spirit--the fresh water that brings new life and hope and strength. But maybe God is giving me sun and more sun instead, and maybe it's for a reason. Maybe I need to stop and thank Him for the sun that warms my face in the absence of the rain I think I need.

The bridge of this song goes on to say this:

Oh, the differences that often are between
What we want and what we really need

And isn't that the truth? Even what we often think we absolutely need is usually a world away from what we really do need. And here I often worry about these things as if God doesn't see me here and know what's going on in my life and what I need better than I do. The Bible says to look at the lilies of the field and see how God clothes them even though they do not work for it worry about it. God just takes care of them and gives them what they need, and they are beautiful and free.

And that's what I want for me. I want to be a lily, a grateful lily who isn't always worrying or yearning for something more but glorifies God as He provides in His wisdom and love. I want to be thankful for the sunshine and the rain, the shelter and the stars above, the laughter and fun and the moments that are difficult but build my character. I want to be thankful that I have been so blessed with so much more than I can fathom in my two sweet babies and the best husband a woman could ask for, even if some days make me want to pull out my hair and cry myself to sleep. And I am. I really am thankful. I really am blessed, and I know it. But these lyrics just remind me again just how blessed I am and that I often take for granted everything I have because there is always something more that I think I need...

So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace
Move our hearts to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies tonight
Or maybe not, not today
Peace might be another world away
And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if You never grant us peace

But Jesus, would You please . . .

Neighborhood watch

If you happen to live in my neighborhood or on one of the several streets we frequent on our daily walks, you'll be happy to know that my daughter has become the neighborhood watch. She has memorized which cars go with which houses, and she notices when one is not in its proper driveway.

"Oh! The white truck is gone!" she said today. The white truck shares a driveway with the yellow car, and it's been home every time we've walked by over the past few months. The yellow car, however, has gone missing a few times before. Now every time we pass that house, I hear, "The yellow car went bye-bye. Now it's back."

Ashlinn also remembers which cars she's seen driven by "boys" and which she's seen driven by "girls." "That's the boy's truck," she says when we pass the big blue truck in one driveway. "A girl drives that car," she says when we pass the black car in another driveway.

Of course, she doesn't just recognize cars. She also knows where the dogs live, where the cats live, and where the two girls we saw playing outside one day last week live. When we don't see the girls outside, she tells me that they are "in the house eating dinner"--even though we usually walk in the morning. Come to think of it, that's also what she says when the little black dog isn't outside when we pass by its house.

All that to say... If any of our neighbors, their pets, or their cars go missing, we'll be on the case right away! And if any of our neighbors trade in their old cars for something new, I'm sure to hear about it for at least a week.

A quiet house

Both girls are sleeping at the same time, and I don't have any work assignments today. I almost don't know what to do with myself! Okay, so I know what I should do with myself. The dishes are piled in the sink, and toys are strewn all over the living room floor. Oh, and I haven't decided what we're doing for dinner yet. Whatever I make, it's going to have to be vegetarian, because we don't have any meat and I'm not planning to go to the store with the kids and no other adults.

And yet, I sit here blogging and reading Facebook updates and message board posts.

Motivation today: 0. Exhaustion level: 98%. Headache: check. Caffeine: sadly, not allowed. Chocolate* consumed: 1 large Costco muffin and 1 miniature peanut butter cup--so far. Minutes until my wonderful husband gets home to help me out with the kids: 75, plus or minus a few.

Okay, I'd better go scour the cupboards and figure out a dinner plan and then get some dishes done while I have the chance.


*Yes, I know, chocolate has caffeine in it. But it's a small amount, and I like to pretend that it's okay for me to have it.

A little about me

I suppose I never really introduced myself, so I thought I'd share a few tidbits about me now:

• I'm 27 years old.
• I traveled to Russia a few summers ago on a mission trip.
• I love taking and developing pictures, and I hope to someday have my own dark room.
  
• I'm a bit of a picky eater.
• I can't stand the taste of coffee, although I do like the smell of it.
• I majored in English in school and worked on my university's newspaper.
• I've been published in a couple of magazines and a devotional.
• My husband is my best friend by far, and I'm really lucky to have him in my life.
  
• I love Mexican food.
• I like sunflowers and gerbera daisies.
• I used to cross stitch.
• I'm pretty much addicted to chocolate.
• I drink 11 to 14 cups of water each day. Before I got pregnant with my first daughter, however, I could easily go all day without drinking any water.
• I like jazz music.
• I've always wanted to be a mommy when I grew up.
• Sometimes I don't like being all grown up.
• I stay home all day with my girls, and it's the hardest "job" I've ever had. But it's by far the best too!
• I can't whistle.
• I don't own a television. However, I do watch movies on my laptop from time to time.
  
• I'm a little OCD about sanitizing everything that raw meat or eggs have touched.
• I like to play board games, especially Balderdash, Imaginiff, Settlers of Catan, Apples to Apples, and Taboo.
• I love entertaining people in my home.
• I'm a book worm.
  
• My favorite restaurant is Olive Garden.
• Someday I want to visit Ireland, Italy, and Greece.
  
• I started my own online magazine when I was 16.
• I met my first online friend when I was 18.
• I'm a bargain shopper and hate to pay full price for anything.
  
• I live in Southern California, where it's January and in the 70s.
  

On being Super Mommy

I have a confession to make: I am not Super Mommy. I know this surprises you as much as it surprised me. But it's true. I've let my 4-month-old fuss for upwards of 10 or even 15 minutes while I tended to my older daughter. I've ignored my 2-year-old a few times. And I've let dishes sit in my sink for 2 1/2 days until I finally needed to wash forks because we ran out. Most of all, I've gotten overwhelmed more times than I can count.

Going from one to two children hasn't been easy for me. Maybe it's my severe lack of sleep and the fact that Carys would fuss until 2 or 3 a.m. for most of her first 2 1/2 months while Ashlinn usually started her morning at 7. Maybe it's the fact that the girls are so close in age and Ashlinn is in the stage of testing boundaries and figuring out her world. Maybe it's the fact that I only took 2 weeks off work before diving back into freelancing and I had already been on my own with the kiddos all day for a week by that point. And maybe it's just my postpartum hormones trying to balance out and failing miserably. Either way, it didn't take me long to find that my juggling skills would not likely get me a job in the circus anytime soon (which, incidentally, means I probably shouldn't run away).

I've heard lots of people say that adding a second child is really not that hard and that the real change comes from adding the first child. Maybe they know a secret I don't, or maybe they are just better moms than I am. Or maybe it depends on your children, I don't know. All I know is that at 2 1/2 months postpartum, I had my first anxiety attack and ended up in the ER because I had no idea what was going on with my body and thought something terrible must be happening. I was later diagnosed with postpartum depression/anxiety.

Until that moment, I had thought I was handling everything fine. I was proud of myself for getting back to work so quickly, running so well on so little sleep, and taking really good care of my kids in the process. I mean, yes, it was challenging, but I really thought I was doing fine with it. Unfortunately, my body wasn't designed to get 4 hours of broken-up sleep a night for 2 1/2 months straight, and my hormones weren't really on my side either. And so I crashed.

Now it's been another almost 2 months, and I'm slowly starting to feel like myself again. I took a couple weeks off work. I'm getting more rest and taking more walks to get out in the sunshine and get some exercise. And I'm taking some medicine, even though I hated to take that route and put it off for several weeks.

It's been humbling to realize that I can't do it all. I can't do and be everything I want to for my kids, my husband, my work, my friends, my family, etc. Mostly I can't be everything I want to be for myself, because really I'm the one who expects all of this from myself--not anyone else. But I can be what I can be, what God grants me the strength to be--and that's all that I really need to be.

And so I'm trying to let go of the expectation that I will be able to do it all. Now my goal is to truly enjoy being home with my sweet kiddos, be present when I'm with my wonderful husband, and keep a balanced perspective on all of the other demands. Lastly, I'm trying to cut myself some slack and keep a positive and joyful attitude. I may not be Super Mommy, but that's ok...for the most part. :)

Ever heard a 2-year-old say "ting tang, walla walla bing bang"? It's pretty cute -- especially when said toddler is supposed to be taking a nap but is singing in her crib instead.

So, when I took Ashlinn to the doctor last week for her well baby visit, the questionnaire they had me fill out in the beginning asked if my child could put two words together to form a sentence. While we were in the room, she said "I have a gown like sister's" (they were both there for well baby visits), "I put my shoes on the chair," and "Look, it's the car movie" (they had stickers on the wall from Disney's Cars). Yeah, I'd say she can put two words together.

The questionnaire also asked if she knew at least 20 words. I'm pretty sure she said 20 words just while we were there. I guess I have a chatterbox on my hands. But I wouldn't have it any other way! I love listening to her learn new words and use them in the proper contexts later on. She's getting so big and learning so much so quickly -- even how to sing silly songs when she's supposed to be going to bed.

Bed time trauma

The highlights of being a mom do not include putting an unhappy toddler to bed and listening to her scream and cry for 40 minutes. It makes me so sad to hear her crying, "Mommmmmmyyyy" repeatedly and have to ignore her because I've already rocked her and hugged her and kissed her multiple times and fetched her sippy cup for her and given her a fair number of books to "read" herself to sleep. And she really needs to sleep because she has already dived off the deep end into delirium and tears.

Thankfully, this is not the scenario every night. Often, she happily goes to her crib, stuffed animal "friends" and sippy cup in hand. We pray together, and she thanks God for a whole lineup of people, her house, grandma's house, her bed, grandma's bed, her doors, grandma's doors, etc. She kisses us and hugs us goodnight, and we tell her we love her and leave the room. Well, okay, we usually have to pretend like we are leaving before she decides to give us the hugs and kisses. But the point is that she doesn't always cause such a scene.

However, when she doesn't want to go to bed... That's another story. She'll try whatever excuse she can come up with to keep herself from having to go to sleep. Last night, she actually asked us to cut her fingernails in hopes that it would delay bed time! Unfortunately, she went to bed still needing them cut, but she sure didn't want them cut in the morning. At least we know she is creative and resourceful when making up excuses. That will serve her well later in life, I'm sure.

A new year, a new blog

So, last night as we were ringing in the new year with some frozen banana cream pie, a bottle of sparkling apple cider, and the movie Julie & Julia, I realized how much I missed blogging every day. I started my first blog almost 10 years ago, and I actually wrote in it regularly for a couple years. However, all of my recent attempts to write more often than once a month or so have failed miserably.

What can I say? I take care of my 2-year-old and 4-month-old all day, I freelance edit from home during naps and in the evenings, and I try (somewhat successfully at times) to keep my house in some semblance of order. When do I really have time to blog? Well, we'll see... But I'm going to give it a shot and try to blog every day this year. My 2-year-old says the funniest things all the time, and I really do want to write them down so that I'll remember them later when I need to embarrass her--I mean, when I want to tell her how cute she was as a toddler.

So, if you want to join me for story hour or you just have lots of free time (enjoy it while you can, if you do!) and are browsing the Internet aimlessly, you're welcome to drop in and see what this mommy and her kiddos are up to each day.